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September 18th, 2007
01:11 am - time is on my side.
I hate boring things. I despise being bored! I can't stand it when I can predict the future. I get angry when the expected runs it's course. Sadly the thing that I'm best at predicting is me. What a terror. I want excitement, I want the unexpected and the spontaneous. I want to feel out every situation as it comes. I want real change, not gradual progression. Even if it means misunderstanding everything. I want to work on my timing. I need to work on my timing. It's hard because nothing ever really changes for me, everything just goes on. When you can't grow up time doesn't seem important. Why do I wait on every opportunity and through my own inaction miss out? Deep down do I really not want to change? Does anyone have an answer? Can anyone wait as long as I can?
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September 11th, 2007
04:20 pm
I am everywhere. I am timeless. I am lost. I am connected to everything. I am cast in the name of god to do the work of man. I have nothing, nothing except the chance to choose anything. This is what I like. This is where I was meant to be.
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August 22nd, 2007
04:04 am
What does she want? What does she want from you? Can you give it to her? Could you in the past? Will you be able to in the future? Are those the reasons why you are where you stand now? What can she give you? Can you not cook and clean for yourself? Can you not learn to sew or find some on night stand or fuck yourself if need be? She can do but one thing. She can love you. But what does love cost? What must you give in return. Is your own love enough to meet the price? What else? What else can you pay? What else will she give but her love? And for how long can you keep it up? How will things change? What will you need to sustain this and does your need to sustain this conflict with you ability to love and be loved?
For me... I can not have what I want because what I am is something she find displeasing. I can not change any more than she can. We are both trapped like statues in time. Created to be incompatible as all the world adapts around us.
It's not that there is no one I can love. It's that I love her so much I can't find anyone else. It's not that I'm a bad person, it's just that she was bad to me and I can't do anything except pass that along to others.
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June 21st, 2007
11:32 pm - May god keep him.
This does not do him just service. But the man was loved, the man was respected and Nick... you will be missed and mourned as strongly as I know you would have for me.
This is for the dead, For those no longer here, I remain. The living may take refuge in their own hearts and their own minds, but the dead may live only in the hearts and minds of others. This is for the children of the grave. For those who are trapped forever in the stillness of the grave, for those who are trapped forever in the flux of memory, I offer this. I am for the dead. For the honor of the dead I draw their spoken words from the silence of the tomb and speak them aloud again. With every passing nod, every passing word, every action, and every interaction part of what makes us human is passed to those around us and together we make humanity and we make ourselves immortal. In the absence of those before me I carry on with what they have given. This is for the departed. I am for them, and I am here.
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June 19th, 2007
May 13th, 2007
01:57 am - by divine right
There's almost nothing I can't do. There's so little I can't accomplish. So few places I can't go. If I can't do it... I can fake it. But what troubles me is that no matter how deep I dive, regardless of how far down the path I travel, I can't do it as anything other than Owen.
It's this feeling of being stuck. Every single place I go I'm tied (Down?). I'm always changing and talking and meeting and learning and throwing myself against against the rocks, to shatter, to reform... but where am I? Who am I? I'm the same. And maybe that wouldn't be quite as bad if I weren't just a void.
I can't put that into words. Because... in the absence of words an understanding is forced to grow. even if it grows bent.
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April 25th, 2007
03:51 am
I bought a ring from a heart broken young man. It cost him 300 dollars or so. I paid 45 for it. I tell myself that it I did this because I have no heart and because I prey on the weak. Because it was a good buy. But it bothers me that I may have done this because he reminded me very much of myself, exactly of myself. I didn't really have the 45 bucks to spare. But a man doesn't pull a ring in a box from his pocket and offer it for sale to a distant acquaintance because things have been going well.
I wonder if he's better off for it. I wonder if without that ring he'll sit at home, or at the bar and feel a sense of freedom that I never captured. Or will it haunt him from a distance with the same specters that I faced every time I returned home.
The ring is supposed to symbolize unending love, a circle to represent the cycle of love. But for me it's a mark of rejection. I denied the affections of others just as my own were denied. In a well trodden rut I sewed the seeds of heartbreak, and now I'm lost in the woods.
quite lost, quite alone. but the path before me is broad and clear. I have been here before.
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February 5th, 2007
11:50 pm - Go ahead
New roomy!
because now it's time to change.
Go on and give.
Go on and take.
because you don't know how you look.
Go on and flourish.
Go on and die.
Build a memory.
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January 9th, 2007
01:59 am - girls
What a bunch of girls.
This is crazy.
Where did all these girls come from?
Where was I while all these girls were out at bars looking for... me?
I don't remember.
Who are you?
How do you know me?
Why are we doing this?
I feel like I'm swimming under a log jam? Should I keep going and see what's on the other side? Should I turn back before it's too late? I'm running low on air and I can't see the light on either side.
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December 30th, 2006
01:39 am - bad jokes
What's Hanging?
Saddam Hussein...
Oh SNAP!
(like his neck?)
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December 23rd, 2006
04:36 am - Come live with me. We'll have fun.
I'm looking for someone to live with.
Oh my name is no import.
I'm a carrion boy.
Oh a roving young fellow I've been.
So be easy and free when you're drinking with me.
I'm a man you don't meet every day.
I have acres of land.
I have men I command.
I have always a shilling to spare.
So be easy and free when you're drinking with me.
I'm a man you don't meet every day.
So come fill up your glasses with brandy or wine.
Whatever it costs I will pay.
So be easy and free when you're drinking with me.
I'm a man you don't meet every day.
Oh I took out my heart
and him I did shoot.
Down by the oaks over there.
So be easy and free when you're drinking with me.
I'm a man you don't meet every day.
So come fill up your glasses with brandy and wine.
Whatever it costs I will pay.
So be easy and free when you're drinking with me.
I'm a man you don't meet every day.
Current Location: in the middle
Current Mood: looking forward
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December 5th, 2006
11:02 pm - jes
My new car.
It's cool. It's 80s. It's fast. It's another convertible. It's white. It burns gas like Reagan is still in office. It's got a good set of speakers.
It's also got my undying love affection.
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November 29th, 2006
November 12th, 2006
07:42 pm
Kazakhstan greatest country in the world
all other countries are run by little girls
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium
other countries have inferior potassium
Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool
it's length thirty meter and with six meter
filteration system a marvel to behold
it remove 80 percent of human solid waste
Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place
from plains of Tarashek to northern fence of Jewtown
Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan
they very nosey people with bone in their brain
Kazakhstan industry best in the world
we incented toffee and trouse belt
Kazakhstan's prostitutes cleanest in the region
except of course Turkmenistan's
Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place
from plains of Tarashek to norther fence of Jewtown
come grasp the might phenis of our leader
from junction with the testes to tip of its face!
http://media.putfile.com/Kazakhstan-National-Anthem
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October 27th, 2006
01:13 am
So lately I've been trying to do this thing. We all have to say things we'd rather not, or deliver bad news, all kinds of stuff. And I've noticed that people tend to look away when they have to say something like that. So I've been trying not to. It's really hard. you should try it sometime, it really throws people off because they expect you to look away, but when you don't they don't seem to take it as hard.
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October 22nd, 2006
08:01 pm - i could say more.
::read with a boston accent::
YOU DUMB BITCH!
thanks for becoming a detrimental phase in societies development. You have cleavage. That is as far as you will ever get in life. the tenuous connection between you and other people while they stare at your awkwardly exposed upper chest. You're like the barley legal Buddha of conversation that can only scratch the surface of human relationships. Your self centered ramblings are nothing more than the most annoying background music in the world, failing to even compliment that cleavage of yours. You have effectively solved the great philosophical question posed by many men before us: is it possible to screw up or even ruin a nice cleavage? Yes it is, with that voice that ruins the timeless pleasure of one of the last unadulterated male passions. Thanks, whore bag. I must say it’s quite nice, until you open your mouth, and it isn’t to blow a banana. How can you expect us to take anything a rich suburban nymphet with bleached teeth says seriously? You dance to some tough-guy rap song, have sex with your door, and then you talk about politics?? Give me a fucking break. Just keep shaking your ass to the retail price tag of the American Dream (read: Thug Life) and try not to contribute anything else to society.
AND YOU, YOU BAG OF DICKS!
You are a fast talking, wise cracking clever boy from the streets. You know the gritty truth and you preach it with a take no prisoners style. Give this man a round of applause and a high class hooker for giving the public the down low on the pressing issues of today. You’re also a pretty witty guy and put things in such a way that even dumbasses can understand it. Wait a minute, an elitist gun slinger of the profound that any white trash mullet boy can identify with? This guy is the universal soldier of rhetoric! Cut the crap Patch Adams. You think you’re funny? you’re that piss brained class clown figure with a face made for cum shots. Guess what pussy lips? They say that you learn something new everyday, and today, I learned that you’re an annoying shit mouth douche bag.
BOTH OF YOU
You are the heavy weights of the modern social interaction, and you have a voice. It’s just a tragedy that a shit log splashing against a porcelain toilet bowl has more meaning than what you are talking about. If food poisoning was reincarnated into a living, breathing species with the ability to speak and wear oversized sunglasses it would be YOU.
Current Music: the ramones - howling at the moon
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October 14th, 2006
07:23 am
so.
I guess the only people who still update this site are people from a part of my life that has passed. that doesn't mean i don't care about them. I do. Infact some of them I care about deeply, they probably know who they are even... I hope.
Any way I keep having these dreams where I wake up and find out the most depressing things like that all the angels have died and that no one can ever love me or the bomb in their chest will explode. The dreams are horrible I can't wake up from them even when I recognize that it's just a dream it still goes on and on and gets worse and worse. I can't wake up from them either. but when I wake up it's like I'm just the regular old me except I've spent the whole entire night watching depressing movies. I hope it doesn't start to affect who I am. aslso the spectrum of my vision has shiften again. Now I'm seeing things in the color white and red alot more vividly than I used to.
any how. I've got about 1000 buck to blow. if anybody is up for it let's hire some hookers and get some coke and ruin our lives.
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October 8th, 2006
02:47 am - I'm older now
so I'm 21... am I still allowed to be interested in 19 year olds? Some of them are pretty cute and all...
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September 28th, 2006
02:08 am - mountains of agony.
Wow. surgery hurts. I fricken want to tear my foot off, even though the whole point of the operation was to keep my foot from being taken off. I'm saving this hospital bracelet. Thanks for the cane spencer and chewy because I'm actually using it now. It's not even possible to describe how bad my foot hurts.
Current Mood: ouch
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September 24th, 2006
09:45 pm - bad bad bad idea
So I had this awful awful plan it was like the worst plan ever. you should have been here to see it. No, not the one about tranfering out of state for semester, that's still a good plan. but this one went something like this
eating taco bell (unhealthy, not very good tasting either, at least its cheap)
drinking coke (okay whatever maybe this part was okay)
smoking (this one speaks for itself)
but to tie it all together okay right?
And now I'm watching the venture brothers too. and this funny thing happens and I'm like cough cough burp vomit in my mouth coke out my nose burn the inside of my mouth with a cigarette.
It was great. why does this only happen when I'm alone. I mean I try to be funny but you just can put an effort in and get something that great out you just gotta wait for it to happen.
Current Mood: i'm laughing my ass off
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